Good Days & Bad Days

Recently, I was asked by a fellow soldier “How are you doing & how’s it going?” My response was “One day at a time” or “Day by day”. I find it amusing that it’s the normal response to those questions and that it is actually true. Some days go by with no issues (minor or major) and other days treat me like Monday on steroids.

Case in point, I was downtown a few days ago with a fellow soldier having lunch. Both of us were in uniform and on our lunch time. We enjoyed pointing out the paranoia factor that both of us have in that we requested that we be seated towards the back away from the windows. This gives us a tactical advantage in that it allows us to see everyone in the room without having to turn around. Anyway, lunch went fine; interaction with the waitress went fine, the conversation and company was great and so on. It wasn’t until we were getting into the vehicle that things became a problem. As I’m approaching my car from the driver’s side (and the front of the car), this punk kid is walking up and pulling his hood down so that I can’t see his face and he’s jamming his hands in his pockets as if he were reaching for something. At the same time, I’m unfolding the pocket knife I keep on my belt and then “flash” it to the kid. His eyes got as big as dinner plates. The other part of this is that my lunch buddy has already exited the car and had his knife drawn too, ready to take the kid from behind. The kid stopped and started to panic. I just told him that maybe it would be a better idea for him to walk away while he can. He took my advice. How stupid can an individual be that he would want to approach a guy in uniform without any thought that we’re fully prepared to kill.

I did talk to a friend, who happens to be a police officer, and told him about our incident. He told me that the kid was probably going to beg for money or something but it was good that we were prepared for the worst. He also told me that his department has received additional briefings and training when dealing with returning combat veterans. That was a “Monday” type of day.

Other days pass along with no incident but I still have the nightmares. I can’t speak for all veterans but I can tell you that I’ve compared notes with quite a few and they all have the same issues. Sometimes I wake up and don’t have a clue where I am, I also still look for my weapon when I’m at home or I’m out, and I still flashback. The flashbacks are the worst part because of the variation of triggers. Sounds, Déja vu moments, and (the worst) smells. I’ve learned that smells have the highest possibility of triggering severe flashbacks in veterans. Some of the worst flashbacks occur when I smell isopropyl alcohol or surgical gauge. Those smells seem to always trigger the memory of having to see Kriesel all chewed up while he was in the hospital in Ballad. *Check the blog entry “Still My Friend” posted on December 9th 2006.

All of the incidents haven’t been bad. Some of the memories triggered are pretty funny. For example, I was strolling in front of the PX (it’s like Wal-Mart for soldiers) in the wee hours of the morning oblivious to the fact that it was the time window when the post tests the indirect fire counter measures. It’s a big-ass, automatic machine cannon to shoot down any mortars heading our way. When it goes off, you can hear it across post. This morning, I was on the sidewalk right in front of it. Needless to say, I didn’t pee myself but only because I had just come out of the latrine not three minutes before. As I’m lying on the ground in front of this thing, I started laughing at myself and at the others who were on the ground with me. All of us had an “Oops, I crapped my pants” moment that morning.

As for everything else, life is still going on. I am tolerating work, trying to be productive with my time off and comparing notes with other vets about how we’re doing. We also compare meds. You see, we are a group that doesn’t care too much for taking any kinds of medicine. Now that most of us HAVE to be on meds, we amuse ourselves by comparing (verbally) what we’re on, if it works, side effects, duration of the prescription, etc. It’s the simple things that amuse us.

Now, as far as my life, it’s still going. I do find that my dislike for politicians is still the same. I enjoy catching myself “combat driving” every once in a while. And I still thoroughly enjoy the freedom of walking into a restaurant and not needing an interpreter to explain what is on my plate. The one thing I actually look forward to now is verbal confrontation with people. Out of all the things that I enjoy from a combat zone, this is my personal favorite. Not from the combat aspect of it, although that does come into play, but from the sake of the argument part of a conversation.

Let me expand on this. I truly enjoy intellectual (and non-intellectual) conversation about a wide variety of topics. The problem, and trigger, I keep running into is that people who have made it a point to be spoon-fed BS by the media are usually the ones that end up provoking the confrontation. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t purposely go out and look for an argument. I just happen to be able to end up in the same room with these “geniuses”. Here’s a bit of advice, if I (or any combat veteran) am in a room with you during a party, I don’t mind people asking me about Iraq, the people, some of my experiences there, etc. However, contrary to popular belief, I am NOT qualified to change policy in the Middle East, I don’t care how the Democrats are trying to “help” me, and I sure as hell didn’t go to fight for oil. If the third one was the case, why am I paying almost $4 per gallon on gas? Do you understand my beef with this? I don’t mind if you ask me a well-thought out question out of the genuine pursuit of knowledge. That goes for anyone regardless of political affiliation. I do get triggered when people tell me that it was wrong to invade, soldiers are getting killed, or we should be brought home.

No one wants to be home other than a soldier who is in a combat zone. But we also refuse to do a job half-assed because some politician wants to be elected. Was it wrong to invade Iraq? No, would you rather I show up in YOUR neighborhood with all of my combat gear and vehicles ready to break stuff and kill bad guys while your kids watch me doing it? Maybe you’d like for some dirtbag to hold your family hostage in the name of Allah while I get ready to splat his noggin all over your living room in order to save our life. Or better yet, maybe you’d like that dirtbag to kidnap your kids, strap a bomb to them and blow them up in order to kill us. Sounds like an insane idea but that’s what’s happening in Iraq.

The best way to explain why we need to be in a foreign country fighting is because you don’t want to see, first hand, what I do in order to make sure you’re safe and free. Iraqis have never had freedom and now they are starting to really taste it and defend it. The problem, and threat, is that insurgents won’t allow that because it’s a threat to them losing power and control (all in the name of Allah). As for the point of soldiers dying in Iraq, IT’S A WAR! For every one of us, there are 100 to 150 of them that we kill. The Vietnam vets that still mentor us tell us that the casualty list from OIF/OEF combined is still nothing compared to what thy had. They tell us this, not to rub it in, but to reassure us that we’re doing the job right. I’ve lost friends to this war and part of myself as well. I’ve EARNED the right to tell morons to shut their pie-hole and that they are full of crap because of their uninformed and baseless arguments. Now you see why I enjoy the confrontation part of it?

In closing, yes I’ve lost part of my mind. But, rest assured, that the mind I have left is still more informed and intelligent than some of the people I defend. I hope to hear from all of you on this posting and I encourage you to send feedback; from all points of view.